Anxiety and What’s Next

Here I am, back in Utah and starting to feel acclimated once again. My adventure in Hawaii may have come to an end, but I know I will be going back many, many times. I feel a bit like Jack from LOST in season 3. (I’m a LOST nerd, get over it). I must admit though, it does feel good to be in Utah. Mostly because of the friends and family I have here, but also because Utah really is a beautiful place.

The Wedge

Going to Hawaii wasn’t just a random excursion of work and play. It was a lot more than that to me. I learned more about myself in 4 months, than I have in 27 years. I had to overcome many personal weaknesses before I was able to take this step. I’m sure most of you think that sounds crazy, and that going to a tropical paradise isn’t exactly a difficult decision to make, but for me it absolutely was.

I’ve had an anxiety disorder since I was just a small kid. It wasn’t until I got into high school that it really started to manifest itself. Needless to say it has been a thorn in my side, keeping me from living the way I wanted to ever since. I let it control me, and I took a backseat while it had a firm grip on the steering wheel. Something as simple as going to a movie in a theater with friends became nearly impossible. Relationships with friends, employers and significant others were negatively impacted as well. So when I was offered a job to move to Hawaii for months to work on a documentary you can imagine I was torn.

At this moment in my life I had to make a decision. I was either going to let anxiety win yet another battle, or I was going to face it head on and take control or die trying. This is why my experience in Hawaii will always be a clear turning point in my life. It presented a situation where I really had to determine the person I wanted to be, and with the help of fantastic friends and an amazing family I was able to take the steps necessary to metaphorically punch anxiety in the face. For the first time in my life I now feel like I am in firm control of how I live my life, and the anxieties that have weighed me down for so long are now shriveled up in a corner, lacking the fuel they require to efficiently have any effect on me.

My battle with anxiety will be a life long journey, but I will continue to fight it, and try my best to help others who also experience this debilitating brain buster. Everybody has something that they have to battle. Depression, anxiety, loss of a loved one, irrational fears, eating disorders, dark secrets, and the list is essentially infinite. The good news is we have people all around us who either share these same challenges or have a set of their own. The bad news is that most of us don’t like talking about it, and do what I did for my entire life. Bottle it up, put a bandaid over it, and live a life that is controlled and dictated by these hurdles. For some reason it feels easier to stand idle with our feet firmly planted on the ground, but I can now say that while jumping certainly isn’t easy, you will thank yourself when you land safely on the other side.

I’m excited to move on with this new found approach to life. I have already had such an amazing experience in Hawaii and know that it’s just the beginning. I have some really cool projects lined up and I’m eager to get started on them. I will continue to work with Devin Graham as much as I can, he’s a good friend, and equally as good to work with. My new roommate Brad, is a former co-worker of mine that I met when I started my job for a Video Marketing Company 2 years ago. He’s a film nerd like myself, and has probably taught me more about the craft than I learned in College. No joke. It’s great to reunite our nerd powers. I have also been offered the chance to work with Jeremy Miller, a guy who’s ability speaks for itself, and works on so many amazing projects. Just to get a sense of his talents I am posting his 2011 Reel below.

JMILLS ///2O11 SHOWREEL from Jmills ENT. Jeremy Miller on Vimeo.

I don’t know how I have been able to meet and work with such a talented group of people, but I’m thankful for it everyday, and hope my talents and flavor will have a positive impact on them.

Now that I’m a bit more settled in, I should have more time to keep updates coming more regularly! Thanks again for all those who like to follow along.